PAIR WEE SOUL

PAIR WEE SOUL, WHIT A SHAME,

THE WEE MAN HASNAE GOAT A NAME.

NAE MAMMY TAE TUCK HIM INTAE BED AT NIGHT,

SOME DAYS HE STRUGGLES TAE GET A BITE.

NAE CLAES TAE WEAR TAE KEEP HIM WARM,

HE'S AYE ON THE LUCKOOT FUR FEAR 0' HARM.

HIS ENEMIES ARE EVERYWHERE, OAN THE EARTH AN' IN THE AIR.

NUTHIN'S GO'N FUR HIM NAE MAIR, HIS LUCKS AWE BAD IT ISNAE FAIR.

TAE SEE HIM LYIN' IN THE DIRT. DEFORMED BEYOND REDEMPTION, HIS

PAIR WEE BROKEN BODY'S RACKED, AN' AWFY SAIR, WI' TENSION.

TAE EASE MA CONSCIENCE THIS POEM TAE A WORM A'VE WRIT....

BECAUSE A SQUASHED IT WAE MA FIT!!!!

IF I HAD THE TIME.

IF I HAD THE TIME TO GAZE AT THE STARS.

AT THE PLANETS, SATURN. JUPITER AND MARS.

CONSTELLATIONS LIKE, THE GREAT BEAR AND PLOUGH,

IF I HAD THE TIME, I'D WONDER HOW.

IF I HAD THE TIME, TO SEARCH THE SKY.

IN WONDER AT, THE SUN ON HIGH.

THE EVER CHANGING CLOUD FORMATION,

IF I HAD THE TIME AND INCLINATION.

IF I HAD THE TIME, TO WALK THROUGH PARKS,

PAST THE TREES ABUNDANTLY LADENED WITH LARKS.

WHO ENDLESSLY DINE ON INSECTS AND GRUBS,

IF I HAD THE TIME TO STAY OUT OF PUBS....

Talkin' about Pubs .

THE PUBS.

IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT AN' I'M NEARLY READY,

FUR DOON THE STREETS TAE HAE A BEVY,

TWO OR THREE PINTS IN THE LOUDOUN BAR,

THEN UP TAE POOSIES FUR ANITHER JAR.

THE NICHT IS YOUNG, THOUGH ITS A BACK 0' TEN,

IT COULD BE SUNDAY FUR AWE A KEN.

FUR A'VE ENJOYED MA'SEL THIS NICHT,

MA HEED IS FEELIN' KINDA LICHT..

OOT A DONNER TAE THE BULL,

A SWALLEY ANITHER PINTO' YULL.

ME AN' OOR JIM HAE A VODCA SHANDY,

THE BAITH 0' US UR FINE AN' DANDY.

NOO THE CLOCK IT SEEMS TAE BATTER FURRIT,

AN' OOR DRINK IS ORDERED, TWICE AS HURRIED.

WE RUN ROON TAE, THE BALLOCHMYLE,

AN' HAE ANITHER DRAM IN STYLE.

A'LL WAVE CHEERIO, TAE AWE A KEN,

AN' STAGGER OOT THE DOOR AN' THEN,

SINGIN' UP THE ROAD FUR AWE AM WORTH,

THIS IS THE HOMELAND OF MY BIRTH.

"P" (MA FAITHER)

ITS 80YEARS FAE HE WIS BORN,

IN CATRINE THATS THE PARISH 0' SORN.

IN THE CASTLE UP SAINT CUTHBERT STREET,

THE PLACE WHERE HE FIRST FOUND HIS FEET.

MATTHEW WELSH IS THE NAME YOU'RE CHRISSENT,

BUT TAE THIS, NARY A SOUL DID LISSEN,

CAUSE YOU'RE CRIED 'PERCY', AWE YER LIFE,

FAE AWE YER FREENS, AN' EVEN YER WIFE....

THE ISLES 1982.

THE FALKLAND ISLES, WHERE'ERE THEY ARE,

ACROSS THE OCEAN WAVES AFAR.

WE POPULATED YOU, IN DAYS GONE BY,

FOR THIS OUR SERVICEMENS FAMILIES CRY.

FOR NOW WE SAIL ACROSS THE SEAS,

TO TRY AN' QUASH A DICTATORS RAVES,

HIS ARMIES INVADED, THE FALKLAND ISLES,

ACROSS THE BRINE, EIGHT THOUSAND MILES.

DEMOCRATIC PEOPLES HOPES THE WORLD O'ER,

GO WITH US TO PROTECT OUR SHORES,

AND ENSURE A TYRANTS REFORMATION,

BECOMES NO REALITY TO OUR NATION.

THO' WE HAE SPENT TEN BILLION POUNDS,

TAE PAY OOR ARMIES COSTS,

WE HAE SAVED, THOSE ISLES THE PRICE,

0' FREEDOM THEY WID HAE LOST....

THE ELECTION 2005.

THE GENERAL ELECTION'S ON ITS WAY,

THE FIFTH 0' MAY SHALL BE THE DAY.

TO THE POLLING BOOTH'S, ONCE MORE WE'LL GO,

THOUGH WHO WE'LL VOTE FOR, WE DON'T KNOW.

WILL IT BE LABOUR'S TONY BLAIR?

OR MICHAEL HOWARD, THE TORIES PRAYER.

OR WILL IT BE THE WEE SCOTS MAN,

CHARLES KENNEDY THE LIBERAL'S FAN.

ALEX SALMOND'S ON THE BOIL,

HE SAYS WE ONLY WANT OOR SCOTLAND'S OIL.

SEAN CONNERY COULD BE ON THE PHONE,

SAYING VOTE ESHNP FOR SHCOTLAND SHUN.

TO FIND OUT THE NEWS WATCH PETER SNOW,

HE'S THE BBC'S MAN, WHO'S IN THE KNOW.

Mauchline hill

Wan o' the finest views you'll ever see,

tho' you travel fur many a mile,

Gang up tae the tap o' Mauchline's sheep hill,

that's part o' the ridge o' Kyle.

Six hunner an' fifty feet way up abin, the lowly seas o' Ayr,

Lookin' doon on Mauchline toon, a sicht tae see that's rare.

Lookin' east stauns the Blacksidend,

looming up five miles aheed,

Twas here a that a Covenanter died,

shot by bloody John Reid,

A stane erected in Sorn Kirkyaird,

fur George Hood, who was that man,

And in atween runs the waters o' Cessnock

that feeds the river Irvine.

Turning North, there's Gaiston moor,

an' Auchencloigh anaw,

That's where Peden the Prophet wis born

and where he passed awa'.

But straight north four black masses ye see,

as if painted by Vincent Van Gogh,

Ben Lomond, Ben Venue, Ben Ledi,

Ben Voirlich whit a sicht sae braw.

Turnin west's there is the Arrochar Alps,

the Cobbler and Ardgoil,

And every peak in the Goatfell range

forms a picture grand and royal,

That's on Arran, from the Cock in the north

to Kildonan in the south,

And the Mull o' Kintyre wi' Cambeltoon bay

is the Isle 0' Sanda's mouth.

Further south is Rathlin Isle,

off Antrim's coast you come,

Pass the heeds o' Ayr, the Brown Carrick Hill

and then the wan called Mochrum,

As you pass by the silver sea

tae Ayr bay doon fae Troon.

The Dalmellington Hills known as Rankinston,

Benwhat an' Benbeoch near Doon.

Southward is Cairnsmuir o' Carsphairn,

it's as round as a chuckie stone,

The Windy Standard, Blacklorg, Blackcraig,

the I)alhannas and Corsencone,

In rapid succession those hills you see,

straight after one another,

Looking east again are Wardlaw and Cairntable,

fur beauty look nae further.

We've travelled a circle a panoramic view,

back to where we started,

To the Blacksidend once more we come,

and the scenes that hide ahent it.

Noo face the West and there you see

the green valleys o' Barskimmin',

Where the water Ayr and Lugar meet

and gently flow neath Mauchline.

M Welsh Sep 2005

THE CAT'S FLY.

SHE PAUSES AN' POSES AND POISED HER PAWS,

TO STRIKE AT A STROKE WITH HER DEADLY CATS CLAWS...

SHE WATCHES AND WAITS, WITH AN UNBLINKING EYE,

WOE BETIDE HER POOR FOE, ITS AN UNKNOWING FLY.

SHE STEALTHILY CREEPS FROM TABLE TO CHAIR,

NEVER ONCE LOOSES SIGHT 0' THAT FLEA IN THE AIR....

THE FLEA NEVER KNOWS FROM WHERE THE CAT COMES,

ONLY SIGN 0' ATTACK IS A WAGGLIN' BUM....

THE FLY FINALLY SETTLES ON A FIRESIDE TILE,

THE CAT POUNCES AN' STRIKES,

BUT SHE MISSES A MILE.

SHE'S UP ON HER HIND LEGS SWIPIN' FRESH AIR,

BUT BY THAT TIME THE INSECT'S

FAR AWAY, UP THE STAIR....

IN THE GARDEN MAY 2000

THE WEE ROBIN SAT, IN A BUSH WELL HIDDEN,

NEAR A FRESH MOWN LAWN IN SOMEONE'S GARDEN.

HER EYES SCANNED THE GRASS, IN SEARCH OF FOOD.

SOME CRUMBS OF BREAD, OR A WORM WOULD BE GOOD.

SHE FLITS TO THE GRASS AND PECKS AT THE GROUND,

MEANWHILE STEALTHILY CREEPING, NOT MAKING A SOUND,

THE CAT MOVED WITH MALICE, ALONGSIDE THE HEDGING,

WAITING TO POUNCE ON THE POOR LITTLE FLEDGLING.

AT THAT INSTANCE THE DOG, SPY'S THE STATUE LIKE CAT,

AND BOUNDS UP THE PATH TO BE WHERE ITS AT.

THE DOG SKIDS TO A HALT, AT THE SOUND OF A VOICE,

ITS MASTER IS CALLING IT, BACK TO THE HOUSE.

THE DOG GROWLS AT THE CAT, WHICH THEN LEAPS ON THE HEDGE,

THE ROBIN TAKES FLIGHT TO A FAR AWAY WINDOW LEDGE.

ALL OF THIS TIME HIDDEN DEEP IN THE LAWN,

AN UNAWARE WORM, MUNCHED AWAY TILL THE DAWN....

SNIPE. (EARLY 1980'S)

IN CATRINE HE WIS BORN AN' BRED.

IN MAUCHLINE HE'S STAYED FAE HE WIS WED.

JIM GUTHRTES TALES THEY GREW IN FAME,

A BORN LIAR SNIPE, BECAME HIS NAME.

THE STORIES THAT THIS MAN COULD TELL,

EVEN BURNS WIS KYTEIN' TAE EXCEL.

AT DARTS THIS MAN THE BEST WID SHATTER,

IF NO WI' PLAYIN', HE WID WAE PATTER.

AT TIMES YOU'D THINK THAT HE WIS SAFT,

BUT OOR SNIPE, HE'S NO SAE DAFT.

AT HIM YOU MAYBE HUD A LAUGH,

BUT YOUR THE WAN THAT BUYS THE HALF.

HE WID SOMETIMES LOSS HIS RAG,

IF SOMEBODY NICKED HIS PINT, OR FAG.

HIS FINGER END HE'D WAVE IN THREAT,

AN' A WOODEN THRUPENNY BIT HE'D BET.

"JOKER"IS SNIPES ARCH-ENEMY,

HE SIS "DONT TAKE A LEN 0' ME",

IT'S TAE THE PLAYPARK FUR A FIGHT,

WE'LL SEE WHO IS THE BEST THIS NIGHT.

BUT TAE US ITS AWE A JOKE,

THEY COULDNAE BURST A PAPER POKE.

THEY END UP BUYIN' DRAMS GALORE,

THE BEST 0' FREENS, FUR EVERMORE.

FUR A CATRINE MAN, SNIPE TRIES HIS BEST,

ALTHOUGH WE PIT HIM TAE THE TEST.

TAE KEEP UPSIDES US MAUCHLINE MEN,

OR SO WE THINK, FUR AWE WE KEN......

Well now, there's a thing!!!

(Came across this story on the internet)

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, when he was working hard trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life." "No, I canny accept payment for whit I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel. "Is that your son?" the nobleman asked. "Aye," the farmer replied proudly. "I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did. Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? - Sir Winston Churchill.

SOMEONE ONCE SAID: WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.

WORK LIKE YOU DON'T NEED THE MONEY

LOVE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN HURT.

DANCE LIKE NOBODY'S WATCHING.

SING LIKE NOBODY'S LISTENING.

LIVE LIKE ITS HEAVEN ON EARTH.

MAY YOUR PURSE ALWAYS HOLD A COIN OR TWO;

MAY THE SUN ALWAYS SHINE ON YOUR WINDOWPANE;

MAY A RAINBOW BE CERTAIN TO FOLLOW EACH RAINDROP;

MAY THE HAND OF A FRIEND ALWAYS REACH OUT FOR YOU;

BE HAPPY LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN SAD;

NOW .... MAKE A WISH!! I HOPE YOU'RE WISH COMES TRUE...............

MAUCHLINE 1980.

WHEN YE DONNER DOON THE STREET,

YOU'LL GET A WAVE FAE AWE YE MEET.

CATRINE, CUMNOCK AN' ITHER PLACES,

FUR FREENSHIP COULDNAE TIE OOR LACES.

THIS MAUCHLINE TOON STICKS OOT A MILE,

FUR SUPERIOSITY AN' STYLE.

THEY ITHER TOONS, 'LL NE'R SURPASS,

THE FOLK FAE HERE UR DIFFERENT CLASS.

IF ITS A SOCIAL NICHT YE WANT,

THIS IS THE PLACE TAE HAE YER JAUNT.

A LAUGH, A SONG OR JUST A BLETHER,

YOU'LL GET IT HERE, WHATE'R THE WEATHER.

THE BALLOCHMYLE INN AN' THE LOUDOUN ARMS,

HO'D JUST A FEW 0' MAUCHLINES CHARMS.

THE JOLLY BEGGARS, (POOSIE NANCIES),

IT WIS WAN 0 BURNS'S FANCIES.

THE BLACK BULL AN' SUPPORTERS CLUB,

WI' AWE THIS DRINK, YOU'LL NEED A SUB.

AT EVEN THIS YE HAVE A CHANCE,

THEN TAE THE LEGION FUR A DANCE.

THE ONLY PLACE I'VE STILL TAE MENTION,

THE BOOLIN' GREEN IS WORTH ATTENTION.

SO SINCERELY ARE, THESE WORDS I WRITE,

I THINK I'LL DONNER DOON THE NIGHT.

MINERS.

THERE'S SORN, BARONY, HIGH HOOSE AN' KILLOCH,

AWE AYRSHIRE MINES.

TRUE COMPARED WI' ENGLISH PITS,

THEY'RE WAY AHENT THE TIMES.

THEY USED TAE BE PROUD SCOTLANDS BACKBONE,

BUT IF MACGREGOR GETS HIS WAY,

HE'LL IGNORE THE N.U.M.,

THOSE PITS WILL HAVE HAD THEIR DAY.

THEY'LL LEAVE BEHIND A FORGOTTEN EMPIRE,

0' WORKIN' MEN WI' GUTS 0' FIRE.

PRODUCTIVITY BONUS, TONS PER MAN,

NOO THEY'LL JUST BE ALSO RANS.

THERE'S SOME THATS SWEATIT, MAN AN BOY,

NAE ITHER WORK THEY'VE KENT.

BELOW THE DIRT, LUNGS FU' 0' STOOR,

MAIST 0' THEIR LIVES, THEY'VE SPENT.

ITS ENDED, THEY'RE JUST LIKE ITHER MEN NOO,

THEY'RE JUST ANITHER REDUNDANT CREW.

NAE MAIR DARKNESS, FEAR 0' GHOSTLY SOUND,

DOWN IN A CAGE, BENEATH THE GROUND.

IMMORTALITY THOSE MINERS HAVE,

A WORKIN' MANS KING 0' KINGS.

A FORGOTTEN BREED THEY'LL NEVER BE,

SO LONG AS BIRDS HAVE WINGS...

THE HILL-TAP.

IF I WAS A MILLIONAIRE,

I COULD NOT AFFORD TAE BUY.

THE VIEW FAE MAUCHLINE HILLTAP,

0' ARRAN'S HILLS IN THE SKY.

TAE THE RIGHT, WIS MAUCHLINES PIT BING,

RUBBISH BY THE TON.

IT TOOK YEARS 0' MINERS SWEAT,

TAE GET IT OOT THE GRUN'

IN FRONT THERE STAUN'S THE KILLOCH,

TOWERIN' IN THE AIR,

IT STOLE ITS COAL FAE BARONY PIT,

WHOSE LUMS THEY STAUN' NAE MAIR.

IF YE LOOK AHENT YE NOO,

YOU CAN SEE FUR MILES AN MILES.

FERM ROADS, WEE BURNS AN' FIELDS AN' TREES,

AN CROOKIT COUNTRY STYLES.

THERE'S THE HEEDS 0' AYR, AN' ROTHESAY BAY,

THE CARRICK HILLS AN' MORE.

THATS THE VIEW YE GET, AT THE TAP 0' THE HILL,

NO FAR FAE MA FRONT DOOR....

DYLAN. (MA GRANDSON AGE 6 MONTHS)

HE'S A LIKEABLE FELLA,

HE'S FU' 0' FUN,

HE'S ALWAYS LAUGHIN',

YOUR HEART HE'S WON.

HE'S ONLY LITTLE,

BUT HE SELDOM CRY'S,

HIS DARK BLUE EYES

JUST HYPNOTISE.

HIS SMILE BRIGHTEN'S UP

THE DARKEST PLACE,

HIS CHEEKY GRIN,

HIS BEAMING FACE.

HE'S THE APPLE 0'

HIS MAMMY'S EYES,

HIS GRANNY ALWAYS LOOKS AT HIM,

THEN SIGHS.

HE'S HIS PRIDE AN' JOY,

HIS DADDY'S SON,

HE'S THE BOY FAE BO'NESS,

THEY CALL HIM DYLAN.

OOR JIM. 1983 (UPDATED 2002)

WHEN YOU WERE FIVE YOU USED TAE PLAY,

WI' A' THE AULDER BOYS,

FLY SMOKIN' WI' 'MICHAEL UP THE FERM ROAD,

INSTEAD 0' PLAYIN' WI' TOYS.

WHEN DARKNESS COMES, YOUR STILL OOTSIDE,

TAE FIND YOU A HAVE BEEN SENT.

BUT IT DIDNAE TAKE ME LONG AT AWE,

FUR YER HIDE OOT WIS EASY KENT.

FUR YOUR WHITE HEED, LIKE A RABBITS TAIL,

STUCK OOT LIKE A LIGHTHOOSE BEACON,

THERE WIS WAN GEM YE COULDNAE PLAY,

AN' THAT WIS HIDIN' AN SEEKIN'.

TEN YEARS LATER, YOU COULDNAE WAIT,

TAE LEAVE THE SCHOOL A PLACE YOU HATE.

TAE START SOME WORK AN' GET SOME DOUGH,

TAE PAY FUR THE DANCIN', AN' A LASSIE YE KNOW.

YOU AN' JUMBO WENT TAE TOWN,

FAE CATRINE YOU WIS BANNED,

FUR CAUSIN' BOTHER IN THE INSTITUTE,

BAITH 0' YOU HALF-CANNED.

ANITHER TEN YEAR, YOUR TWENTY FIVE,

YOUR CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART YOU'VE WED.

YOU'VE TWA BRAW BOYS, PAUL AN' BARRY,

BAITH WI' BLONDIE HEAD.

ABOOT THIS TIME I REMEMBER FINE,

WHEN A SCOTTISH GEM WIS ON,

YOU GOT ARRESTED AT THE CROSS,

KICKIN' THE BOLLICIA BEACON....

AN' NOO YOUR THIRTY,

TIMES HEVE CHANGED,

YOUR LIFES TURNED ANITHER PAGE,

YOU USED TAE SAY THAT I WIS ANCIENT,

WHEN I WIS THAT AGE.

TWENTY YEARS LATER, YOUR NEARLY FIFTY,

WI' A LASSIE EIGHT YEARS OLD,

YOUR NO THE BOSS 0' YER FAMILY NOO,

WI' LAUREN, YE DAE WHIT YOUR TOLD....

Recipe for Clootie Dumpling

(given to me by G Arbuckle a friend april 2005)

Purina self raisin' floor

Punxia currnats an' a haimfu o' raisins

Quarter punna suet

Haufa punna granulatit sugar

Fower wee teaspoons o' mixed spice

A big pncha saut

Some Mulk

Rummie up the hale jing bang in a boul, addin' a wee tate mulk so's ye get a dough that's stiff an' no runny. Tim some bum' watter oot the kettle inty the fit o' the basin an' spread the cloath (or cloot) oan tap o' the watter.

Cowp the hale o' yur dough oot the boul an' can tae the cloot in the basin. Draw the coarners o' the cloot thegither an' tie wi' a string.

Don't tie the string too ticht or the dumplin' micht burst efter swellin' up an' ye'll be in a helluva mess.

Noo ye've a big bag o' dough aboot the size o' a fitba'. Nixt pit a plate in the fit o' the big poat. Then gently lower the dumplin' can tae the plate. Efter that poor as much biin' watter inty the poat as will cover yur dumplin'

Efter a' this cairry-oan ye'll mibbee waant a cuppa tea an' a fag or even a wee lie- doon. anyway, whitivvur ye dae, don't let the dumplin' simmer fur mair than three an' a hauf oors. Efter that time wheech it oot the poat an' oan tae a plate. Peel aff the cloot an' therr ye huv a dish tae set afore the queen.

Welton Road.

When I lived there in the fifties, aside a motley crew,

Wan thing wis aboot thae days, awe buddy awe folk knew.

At 38 wis Flemin', a guid booler in his prime,

Across the road lived Gangus, dugs wis his pastime.

At 40 there's McCracken, Wullie wis his name,

Across fae him was Milligan, buses wis his game.

At 42 stayed Logan, playin darts his scene,

Ower fae him wis Wilson, wi' a tree in his front green.

At 44 stayed Mrs Reid, I swapped comics there wi' Billy,

Across the street McCluskie, he's still there is Barnie.

Next door tae them the Mullins, a wheen o' wean's stayed there,

While ower the road there wis McCann, Auchinleck became his lair.

At 48 stayed Wilson's, oor Molly liked tae natter,

Across the street wis Ferguson, whit a case wis Butler.

At 50 Mrs Irvine, Wi' ol' John a lovely pair,

Across the road McCormick, he kept ma ba' no fair.

At 52 that's where we stayed, Ma memories are great,

Across fae us wis Mrs Scott, Marion's hard tae bate.

Next door tae us at 54, a boy named Candy Serr, (Sandy Kerr)

Ower the road Kilpatrick's, Mama an' Joker they stayed there.

A worthy stayed at 56, Wullie Dempsey wis his name,

Across fae him anither yin, Peggy McMichael grew in fame.

Next door stayed Taffy Jenkins, an' next again wis Hall,

Across at number 58, Davie Young, he had a ball.

At the bottom half o' that street, mair family's by the load,

But these are the folk I remember best, when I lived in Welton Road.

THIS IS SOME GOOD ADVICE! (Sent to me from America)

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout..! run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gentl

OOR DUG 1988.

A HAE A DUG, ITS AWFY FUNNY,

IT LOOKS AT ME WI' RUMLIN TUMMY.

PAIR THING YOU'D THINK IT WIS NEVER FED,

WI' ITS CONSTANT EXPRESSION, LYIN' IN BED.

A BLACK LABRADOR BEAUTY, IS HER NAME,

IT WIS ONLY A WEE THING, WHEN A BROCHT IT HAME.

ELEVEN INCHES LONG, AN' A PAIR WEE SOUL,

NOO ITS AGE SIX MONTH AN STRONG AS A BULL.

ITS A FLY WEE PUP,THOUGH ITS NO SAE WEE,

WHEN YOUR BY WAE YOUR DINNER OR HAD YOUR TEA,

IT NICKS THE BUTTER AFF THE KITCHEN TABLE,

EVEN THOUGH IT KENS, IT'LL GET IN TROUBLE.

THE ITHER DAY, IT WENT THROUGH THE HEDGE,

UP TAE THE NEEBORS WINDAF LEDGE,

CAME TROTTIN BACK WAE A SCONE IN ITS MOOTH,

IT HAD KNICKED IT FAE, MRS KENNEDY'S HOOSE...

OOR TERI TAKES IT FUR OBEDIANCE TRAININ',

EVERY MONDAY NIGHT.

SHE WRESTLES AN' TUGS IT, PULLS IT AN' HUGS IT,

YOU'D THINK THEY WERE IN A FIGHT.

BUT TELL HER TAE SIT, OR GTE YE A PAW,

AN' SHE'LL DAE IT QUITE AUTOMATIC,

AS LONG AS YE GTE IT A BISCUIT OR TWA,

SHE'LL EVEN GTE YE, A GREAT BIG LICK....

A DUGS LIFE. 1993.

I HAVE A DUG CALLED BEAUTY,

A CROSS BRED LABRADOR.

SHE LOVES TAE GO OUT WALKIN'

ESPECIALLY DOON THE SHORE.

WHEN WE DRIVE UP TAE THE SHORE FRONT,

AN' SHE SCENTS THE SALTY SEA.

SHE STARTS TAE HOWL AND WHIMPER,

UNLEASHED SHE STARTS TAE FLEE.

SHE RUNS RlCHT HELTER SKELTER,

A BEE-LINE FUR THE WATTER.

SHE SCOOPS THE SEA INSIDE HER GUB,

THE TASTE IT DISNAE MATTER.

SHE JUMPS AN' BARKS AN' RUNS ABOOT,

SHE BELTS FAE SAND TAE SEA.

IT MUST BE GREAT TAE BE A DUG,

AN' HAVE EVERYTHING FUR FREE.

BEAUTY 2003.

BEAUTY IS AN AULD DUG NOO,

THOUGH SHE THINKS SHE'S STILL A PUP.

SHE'S STILL GOT AN AWFY APPETITE,

AN' McKEWANS EXPORT,

SHE LOVED TAE SUP.

SHE LOVED TAE GO HER MORNIN' WALK,

AN' CHASED THE COO'S AN' SHEEP,

BUT AFTER ONLY FIFTY YARDS,

SHE COLLAPSED IN TAE A HEAP.

SHE WIS THE BESTIST PAL A KENT,

SHE LOVED ME THROUGH AN THROUGH.

A WILL NEVER FORGET THE TIMES WE SPENT,

THOUGH MA PAL BEAUTY'S, NO HERE NOO....

YOUR DOG..

YOU'RE DOG ALWAYS RUNS, EVERY DAY TO GREET YOU,

IT CHEERS YOU UP WHEN YOU FEEL BLUE.

IT LOVES TO GO IN THE CAR A RUN,

WITH ITS NOSE OUT THE WINDOW, IN THE AIR AND THE SUN.

IT TAKES NAPS EVEN WHEN, IT'S JUST WOKEN UP,

IT RUNS AND ROMPS LIKE IT WAS, STILL A PUP

IT THRIVES ON ATTENTION AND LOVES A GOOD PAT,

GROWLS WHEN TORMENTED AND BARKS AT THE CAT.

WAGS ITS WHOLE BODY WHEN IT'S REALLY PLEASED,

RUBS ITS BACK ON THE GRASS, ITS EXPRESSION IS GLAZED.

IT'S LOYAL, OBEDIENT AND LOVES YOU TO BITS,

IT NUZZLES YOUR HAND, GIVES A PAW WHEN IT SITS.

YES A DOG IS SOMETHING, EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE,

YOUR BEST FRIEND A COMPANION, IT WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH.

TILL THE DAY THAT IT GOES TO THAT PLACE IN THE SKY,

IT WILL LOVE YOU, ITS MASTER, THOUGH HEAVEN KNOWS WHY.

THE BUNNET

WHEN MA FAITHER WENT TAE THE PIT WAN DAY,

HE FELT THERE WIS SOMETHIN' FUNNY.

CAUSE HIS BUNNET WIS MOVIN' ABOOT HIS HEED,

AN' IT WISNAE EVEN WINN'EY.

WHEN THE BUS ARRIVED AT THE BUS STOP,

AN' HE SAT DOON OAN HIS SEAT,

THATS WHEN HE TOOK HIS BUNNET AFF,

WELL, HE VERNEER HUD A FIT.

AS HE LOOKED ON IN, AMAZEMENT,

MOVIN' IN HIS HANDS, WHERE HE SAT,

HE COULDNAE BELIEVE THE SICHT HE SAW,

A WEE MOOSE JUMPIN' OOT HIS HAT....

MASH 4077 (WRITTEN 1989).

CORPORAL CLINGER DRESSED TAE KILL,

IN A' THE LATEST FASHION.

A SECTION EIGHT, IS WHIT HE'S AFTER,

TAE ESCAPE THAT FOREIGN NATION.

COLONEL POTTER, A VETERAN,

HE IS THE FAITHER 0' THE GANG,

THERE IS NAE MESSIN' WAE THIS MAN,

WHEN HE LAYS DOON THE LAW, HE'S IN COMMAND.

HAWKEYE PIERCE, A FUNNY MAN.

A SURGEON SKILLED IN WIT,

HAS ONLY TAE PLAY A PRANK OR TWO,

AN' THE PLACE IS IN A FIT.

HAWKEYES SIDEKICK, THATS BEE-JAY,

HAS A SERIOUS SIDE TAE HIM.

HE'S THINKING 0' HIS WIFE BACK HOME,

BUT HE JOINS IN ALL THE FUN.

CHARLES WINCHESTER, 'THE THIRD' THAT IS,

HE'S THE WAN THEY LOVE TAE TEASE.

AN EDUCATED HIGH CLASS BUM,

HE'S IMPOSSIBLE TAE PLEASE.

FATHER MULCAHIE, A QUIET SOUL,

HE SAYS 'BLESS YOU, MY SON',

HE ALWAYS WINS WHEN PLAYIN' CARDS,

'CAUSE HIM, THEY CANNY CON.

HOT LIPS HOOLAHAN, WHIT A LASS,

SHE'S ALWAYS IN THE RIGHT.

BUT WHEN SHE'S IN A FIGHTIN' MOOD,

NAEBODY WANTS TAE FIGHT...

THEN THERES THE WAN WHO RUNS THE SHOW,

AN ANGEL SENT FROM HEAVEN,

RADAR O'RILEY THE BACKBONE 0',

MASH 4077........

RONNY BARKER, HE'S A REAL FUNNY MAN,

A COMEDIAN'S COMEDIAN, EVERYBODY'S A FAN.

HE MAKES YOU LAUGH, BEFORE HE UTTERS A LINE,

BUT WHEN HE SPEAKS, YOU'RE IN STITCHES EACH TIME.

AS A CELL-MATE IN PORRIDGE, FLETCHERS HIS NAME,

OUR RONNY'S A CON-MAN, WAY AHEAD 0' THE GAME.

AS A COMEDY GREAT, HE'LL ALWAYS BE KNOWN,

AND WI' TV REPEATS, HE'LL ALWAYS BE OAN.......

HE'S WAS GREAT AS A LONER, AS A ONE MAN ACT,

HIS WRITING ABILITY'S, SO MATTER OF FACT.

HE'S EVEN BRILLIANT, AT WRITING IN RHYME,

HE'S EVEN BETTER ACCOMPANIED, WITH PARTNERS IN CRIME.

WI' WEE RONNY CORBETT THEY'RE REALLY A SCREAM,

DRESSED UP AND SINGING, A REAL FUNNY TEAM.

WHEN INTO THE SHOP HE ASKED FOR FORK 'ANDLES,

IT WAS A SCREAM WHEN THE WEE YIN, GAVE HIM FOUR CANDLES.

IN OPEN ALL HOURS HE STAMMERED AND STUTTERED,

AND A YOUNG DAVID JASON KNEW THEN, THAT HIS BREAD WAS BUTTERED.

CAUSE ALONG WITH THIS GREAT MAN, HE LEARNED HIS TRADE,

NOW A COMEDY GREAT, DEL BOY HAS IT MADE.

ITS A HARD LIFE. (RETIREMENT) MAY 2003

MAN ITS A HARD LIFE, ACH SO IT IS,

SITTIN' OOT THE BACK DOOR, FAWR AWAY FAE THE BIZ.

LISTENIN' TAE THE BIRDS, AS THEY WHISTLE A SONG,

IS IT TIME TAE CUT GRASS? ACH NO, ITS NO LONG.

A'LL JOOST HAE A SAlT, A COFFEE OR TWO,

DECIDE WHIT A'LL DAE, AN' IF A'LL DAE IT THE NOO.

THE HEDGE ISNAE BAD, IT'LL DALE FUR A SPELL,

A COULD DAE A BIT HOEIN', BUT THEN AGAIN, WELL!

A'LL SIT IN THE GREENHOOSE AN' ADMIRE. MA SEEDS.

NAW A 'VE DIN THAT ALREADY WI D YE LUCK AT THEY WEEDS!

A CANNY DECIDE WHIT TAE DAE WAE MASEL,

WAIT A MEENIT, ITS SETURDAY AN' TIME FUR SOME ALE....

THE THREAT 0' WAR. 1990.

ON THE SECOND OF AUGUST, SADDAM HUSSEIN

OVERPOWERED KUWAIT SO HE COULD REIGN.

HE PILLAGED AND RAPED THAT CONQUERED RACE

THEN CLAIMED THE OIL, FROM THAT DUSTY PLACE.

HE BANNED ALL EMBASSY'S, FROM KUWAIT,

DECIDING ITS NOW AN IRAQI STATE.

WHEN THREATENED BY, THE UNITED NATIONS,

HE BROKE OF ALL, DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS.

HE ASSEMBLED FOREIGNERS, YOUNG AND OLD,

A HUMAN SHIELD, TO PROTECT BLACK GOLD.

THE UNITED NATIONS, BEGAN A BLOCKADE,

SO SADDAM HUSSEIN, COULD NO LONGER TRADE.

WORLD ARMY'S ASSEMBLED, ON SAUDI LAND.

IN THE HEAT THEY PRACTICE WAR IN THE SAND.

THE UNITED NATIONS DEMANDED, SADDAMS RETREAT,

TO RELINQUISH HIS RULE OF THAT SOVEREIGN STATE.

THE U.N. DECIDED, IF DEMANDS WERE NOT MET,

THEN FORCE WOULD BE USED AND A DATE WAS THEN SET

THE FIFTEENTH OF JANUARY, WAS TO BE THAT DATE

WITH BATED BREATH WE'LL WAIT TO SEAL OUR FATE....

THE WALL 1989

BUILT TAE DIVIDE A NATION, IN 1961.

AN IRON CURTAIN, BUILT WAE BRICKS,

PATROLLED WI' MEN WI' GUNS.

MANY PEOPLE TRIED TAE CROSS THE WALL,

AT BERLINS CHECKPOINT CHARLIE.

BUT THEY WERE SHOT, AT POINT BLANK RANGE,

AN' MOURNED IN THIS PLACE 0' TRAGEDY.

O'ER THE YEARS, THIS WALL GREW,

TWAS REINFORCED IN PLACES,

BARBED WIRE AN' WATCH TOWERS WERE ERECTED,

THAT LAND. THIS WALL. DEFACES.

NOW SUDDENLY EAST BERLIN, REBELS.

MILLIONS MARCH THROGH STREETS.

DEMANDING DEMOCRATIC RIGHTS,

AN' PEOPLES OWN FREE SPEECH.

SO THROUGH THIS OVERWHELMING POWER,

UNITY O'ER THESE LANDS.

AT LAST THIS COMMUNIST GOVERNMENT,

GIVES WAY TO ITS PEOPLES DEMANDS.

ON THE NINTH DAY OF NOVEMBER, IN 1989.

THE GUARDS GAVE WAY, THE WALL CAME DOWN,

AND EAST AND WEST ENTWINE.

AS PICKS AND CHISELS ATTACK THE WALL A CELEBRATION STARTS, WHEN RE-UNITED FAMILIES MEET, TO MEND THEIR BROKEN HEARTS

REAL HEAT

WHEN ITS POORIN' DOON WI' RAIN,

AN' YER CLAES UR SOAKIN' WET.

THERES NUTHIN' TAE BATE, A COAL FIRESIDE,

ROARIN' UP THE LUM, ITS GREAT.

WHEN ITS FREEZIN' CAUL' IN WINTER,

TRUDGIN WEARILY HAME FAE WORK.

FAE YER FINGER TIPS, TAE YER TAES UR NUMB,

AN' YER CHITTERIN' JAWS, GET STUCK.

YER FEET KEEP SLIDIN' IN THE SLUSH,

AN' YE FAW' AN HURT YER BUM.

YE CANNY WAIT, TAE GET IN THE HOOSE,

TAE THAT FIRE, ROARIN' UP THE LUM.

SURE ITS GREAT THIS CENTRAL HEATIN',

NAE NEED, TAE GLEAN THE GRATE,

AN-'WI` GAS, THERE IS NAE NEED, TAE DUST,

BUT THE COALFIRES HARD TAE BATE..

THE MORNIN' AFTER...

I VERNEER HAD A HEART ATTACK,

WHEN I AWOKE THIS SUNDAY.

BECAUSE I SAW, A GHOSTLY SHAPE,

MOVE PAST ME IN THE LOBBY.

I RAN INTAE THE SCULLERY,

PIT THE KETTLE OAN FUR COFFEE.

I LIT A FAG TAE CALM MA NERVES,

BUT A COULDNAE WATCH THE TELLY.

THOUGH A WIS SHAKIN' LIKE A LEAF,

STILL A VENTURED BACK TAE, THE LOBBY.

FUR MA NERVES HUD GOAT THE BETTER 0' ME,

SO I FOLLOWED AHIN, OOR BEAUTY.

BY THIS TIME I WIS WIDE AWAKE,

SO I DREW MASEL' THE GITHER.

AND THEN I SAW THE GHOSTLY SHAPE,

MA REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR.

THE STRIKE

UNITED MEN ACROSS THIS LAND,

REJECTED MCGREGORS CLOSURE PLAN.

UNEMPOYMENT, MINING MEN ALL HATED,

REDUNDANCIES, WOULD NOT BE TOLERATED.

IS ARTHUR A TRULY HONEST MAN,

OR JUST A PATTER MERCHANT FAN.

DEFIANT TAE THE BITTER END,

HE DRIVES THE JUDGES ROON THE BEND.

MINERS ARE ON STRIKE, TO PRESERVE THEIR JOBS,

SOUP KITCHENS GALORE, QUEUES IN THEIR MOBS.

COLLECTING CASH AND GIVEN FOOD,

FROM WORKING PEOPLE WHO TRY TO DO GOOD.

COAL MINERS HAVE SELDOM BEEN SPLIT UP BEFORE,

UNTIL THIS YEAR 1984.

CARS UPTURNED AND LITTER SCATTERED,

MINERS, BROTHERS AND FATHERS BATTERED.

POLICE BRUTALITY, BITTER FEUDS,

T.V. CAMERAS, HAVE OFTEN VIEWED.

WE MUST END THIS CRAZY SITUATION,

BRING SANITY ONCE MORE TO THIS NATION....

THE FARRELLS. 1990.

WHEN THE FARRELLS FLITTIT TAE MAUCHLINE FAE SORN,

THEY GOT SOAKED TAE THE SKIN, 'CAUSE THAT DAY IT WIS POURIN

WHEN A MAN ASKED FUR STICKS, AFF THE BACK 0' THE LORRY,

AULD BILLY ANSWERED "THATS MA FURNITURE, AM SORRY"

WHEN THEY STARTED THAT FAMILY, THERE WIS ONLY TWO,

SADIE AN BILLY, NEVER TAE SIGN OAN THE BREW.

OOTSIDE AT NIGHT, THEY WIS NEVER SEEN.

'CAUSE THEY WIS PRODUCIN' FARRELLS, A WHEEN.

THEY STARTED OFF A FAMILY TRADITION,

OOTNUMERIN' NOO, SORNS HALE POPULATION.

ON EVERY STREET, THERES A SILUETTE LIKE A BARREL,

GUARANTEED ITS RELATED TAE AULD BILLY FARRELL.

WI' PATTER THE FARRELLS ARE FAIR ENTERTAININ',

THEIR WORDS ARE SO SIMPLE THEY NEED NAE EXPLAININ'.

FUR GARDENERS THEY HAVE NAE RESPECT. NANE AT ALL,

SINCE TUMPH 515 HE ONCE GREW A TEN PUN BRAMMEL.

A'VE MIND WEE RUMBA 515 'WE'LL NEVER STERVE',

SO LONG AS WE STILL HAE THE NERVE,

TAE HERRIE THE FERMERS TATTlE FIELDS,

AN' SHARE THEM WI' ITHER FOLK AS WEEL.

THERES SAMMY GEORDIE AN' FRANKY BOY,

THERES A WHEEN 0' LASSIES, AN NANE 0' THEM COY.

BUT THERE IS WAN FARRELL, THATS OOR JOHN,

HE'S WAN Of MAUCHLINES BRIGHTEST SONS.

HE'S QUIET, SHY, CLEVER, MATURE.

THOUGH SOMETIMES HE'S A WEE BIT DOUR.

BORN IN MAUCHLINE, NOO HE STAYS IN DUNOON,

US MAUCHLINE FOLK WERE NEVER LET DOON.

THERE WIS WAN MAIR, AULD BILLY'S NAMESAKE,

0' AWE THE FARRELLS HE TOOK THE CAKE.

CHEERY WORDS, A JOKE WIS GUARANTEED,

AN' TAE THIS TOON HE HAS BEQUEETHED.

NAE MATTER HOW BAD, THINGS SEEM TAE BE,

THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEBODY WORSE THAN ME.

HE'LL ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED FOR HIS CHEEKY WIT,

TAE US HE'LL ALWAYS BE A HIT.

TAE FINISH AFF A HAVE TAE MENTION,

AN PIT THINGS INTAE TRUE DIMENSION.

AULD SADIE SHE IS THE UNDISPUTED WAN,

RESPECT SHE'S GOT FAE AWE THE CLAN

FRANK FARRELL AND THE CARAVAN......

ITS HOLIDAY TIME AN' FRANK IS READY,

THOUGH THE NICHT AFORE HE'D HUD A BEVVY.

UP IN THE MORNIN' HE'S AS FRESH AS PAINT,

HIS WIFE SHE THEN THOUGHT, SHE'D MAIRRIT A SAINT.

HE'D THE CARAVAN TAE HOOK UP, TAE HIS CAR,

IT WIS PARKED AT WEE JOES, WHICH WISNAE FAR.

OFF HE GOES IN THE POORIN' RAIN,

WAN HOUR LATER, WI' NAE CARAVAN, HE'S BACK AGAIN.

"I CANT UNDERSTAND, THE STUPID CONTRAPTION!",

"SOMEBODY'S TAMPERED, WAE THE CONNECTION".

"I EVEN TRIED GREASE, TAE HOOK UP THE VAN",

"BUT NO-GO, NAE CHANCE, I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND!"

HIS WIFE SAYS TAE FRANK, "YOUR A BIG USELESS SCUNNER",

"YOU'LL BE HAUNLESS, SUPPOSIN' YE LIVE TAE A HUNNER",

"COME OAN, RUN ME UP, TAE A SEE WHITS THE MATTER",

"MA HAIRS JUST NOO DIN, IT'LL GET SOAKED WAE THE WATTER".

SO WANCE MAIR THEY GO, BACK OOT IN THE RAIN,

WE'LL JUST BE LIKE BRUCE, AN' TRY WANCE AGAIN.

FRANK'S WIFE SHE WIS SPEECHLESS, "MY GOD, WHIT A FOOL!",

THE BLANKING CAP COVER, WIS STILL IN THE HOLE!!!!

TIME GOES BY.

TIME PASSES BY OH SO SLOWLY,

WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG, AND CAREFREE.

TAKE ADVANTAGE 0' THAT SITUATION,

IN YEARS TO COME, WHEN YOU'RE OLD, TIME WILL FLEE.

TIME SEEMS TO DRAG TO TEENAGERS,

THEY ALL WISH THEY WERE OLDER, IN YEARS.

BUT QUICKLY ENOUGH, YOU'LL BE FORTY,

AND SUDDENLY SPROUTING, GREY HAIRS.

SO TAKE HEED 0' THESE FEW WORDS 0' WARNIN',

ENJOY THE BEST YEARS 0' YOUR LIFE.

FOR AULD AGE WILL SOON BE UPON YOU,

ALONG WITH THIS, WORRY AND STRIFE.

WHAT ONCE WAS A THIRTY INCH WAISTLINE,

TURNS INTO A SWOLLEN BEER BELLY.

AND FROM PERFECT HEARING ABILITY,

YOU WILL SOON HAVE TO TURN UP THE TELLY...

YOUNG JIMMY 1999.

I HAVE MIND WHEN JIMMY WIS JUST A BOY,

AN IDEA HE HAD IN MIND.

AS HE CAIRTIT A PLANK 0' WID FAE HIS HOOSE,

AWE THE WAY TAE THE LILLY GLEN. (RIVER AYR)

TAE BUILD A DIVIN' BOARD HE STROVE,

DOON BY THE WATTER AYR,

HUMFIN' SAWS, HEMMARS, ROPES AN' NAILS,

SWEATIN' BLOOD, BUT DIDNAE CARE.

HE SWAM ACROSS AN' CLIMBED THE BANKIN',

CUT INTAE THE RITS Of A TREE,

TAE THIS HE NAILED, HIS PLANK 0' WID,

A SICHT IT WIS TAE SEE.

HE PROUDLY STRODE HIS DIVIN' BOARD,

HE TESTED IT HIMSEL'.

BUT THE PLANK BROKE FREE, FAE THE RITS Of THE TREE,

AND INTAE THE WATTER THEY FELL!!!

CHRISTMAS LATE 70'S

CUDDLE UP AN' SETTLE DOON, IN YOUR WEE BIT BED.

HAE SWEET DREAMS AN' THINK GOOD THINGS, INSIDE YOUR TINY HEAD.

IT WONT BE LONG TILL MORNING, WHEN YOU WILL RISE AN' SHINE.

TAE PRESENTS LYIN' NEATH THE TREE, THAT SANTA'S LEFT BEHIND.

WHERE YOU WILL FIND YOUR FAVOURITE THINGS,

WRAPPED UP WITH CHRISTMAS LOVE.

THERE'LL BE SWEETS INSIDE YOUR STOCKINGS HANGING UP ABOVE.

SO GO TO SLEEP MY LADIES, GO TO SLEEP EACH CHILD.

WHEN YOU WAKEN IN THE MORNING, YOU'LL SURELY DRIVE ME WILD........